In the beginning of my time here in the world of higher ed. I had a hard time embracing how uncomfortable I made the people around me- by the way, I spoke, dressed, walked, etc. I literally was uncomfortable by how MY black femininity made others feel. Coming from a public school that was 67% black, 20% white, and whatever% "other", this world of whiteness left me perplexed at my own being (This was strange because I have always been a person who was comfortable in their own existence). Now looking back on those moments I'm baffled, but that is my truth. Me being so uncomfortable led me to become confused, somewhat fearful, and overall- frustrated.
I feel like black girls/black women give up so much of themselves for the comfortability of others.
Either we are;
overly sexual or not sexual enough.
too loud or not loud enough.
too intelligent or not intelligent enough.
too gentle or not gentle enough.
too black or not black enough.
And if we find ourselves leaning too much towards either side of the spectrum- we are bitches, we are hoes, we are ghetto and unruly, we are bouji. And for those black girls who find themselves too far to the left, right or maybe even in-between, who say to-hell-with other's comfortability, we are weird, evil bitches that dare go against the norm of what it means to "be" a black woman.
Even though I am only in my second semester of college, I have learned or maybe even been forced to accept my place on the spectrum of black femininity. Days where I am far left, far right, or in the middle I have learned to embrace wherever I maybe with open arms and realized that wherever I am has NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE BUT MYSELF. I still find myself receiving looks and whispers whenever I may do something outside of whatever people deem as the "standard for black women" to be like. But I am realizing that this is MY life and I am walking in MY purpose. There is no cookie-cutter standard that this world can fit me in for me to fulfill my purpose the way I believe God intended for me.
TO THE READER,
Your blackness. Your femininity. The very essence of your being looks like nothing else on this planet. So often times you may come across people who don't understand it and maybe even reject it, but do not forget that...
You are grace.
You are love.
You are important.
You were created with divine intentions.
Your blackness. Your femininity. The very essence of your being looks like nothing else on this planet.
But that is why it is YOURS.
- honestly imani jai
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